The Life She Never Knew Finding a Way
by hermiine
Summary: Mac finds her biological family. COMPLETE
1. 1 of 9

**The Life She Never Knew – Finding a Way **

Authors: jagfanatic85 and hermiine

Rating: PG

Disclaimer: We own nothing.

Summery: Mac finds her biological family.

AN: Early April this year jagfanatic85 posted a fanfic-challenge on the shipper- and hmshipperlist. I responded, Jagfanatic85 sent me this first part and I felt challenged to finish the story. Thank you Cria for beta-reading and catching all of those mistakes! Feedback is very welcome and appreciated.

**Part 1 **

Her father was dying. Her eyes grew cold and a steely glint would appear when she thought of her mother. What she did was reprehensible. But her father... She wanted to hate him. She wanted it so bad because she thought it would bring her some sort of satisfaction. She was angry, but she couldn't hate him. Her father was a drunk who'd hit her mother and drove her away. But he could never bring himself to hit her, she remembered. A responsible, loving mother would've tried to take her child away for protection... but not her mom. Her father had wronged her by turning into an alcoholic who was unable to control his actions because of it. Her mother had wronged her while being sober. She could still remember the few occasions he'd been sober. He cried. Wept out of pain for his actions. Those moments were quickly followed by the cure all "medicine" alcohol.

When her mother left her she was fifteen. Fifteen, motherless and lived with a drunk who could just barely scrape by taking care of himself, let alone his daughter. With alcohol and cigarettes within easy reach - just a trip to her father's room - she quickly took up both bad habits as her own. Smoking lasted only a short while and she always seemed to end up coughing.

Alcohol turned into an addiction. With no parents to guide or care for her, she looked for love in all the wrong places. Or more accurately, one wrong place. The backseat of any boys' cars. She'd then met Chris, they got and stayed drunk together - and he didn't turn her away after a solitaire night of fun. He wanted to drink and party and have fun - with Sarah. She was nothing special to him exactly. But fun and good in bed. Besides, she adored him.

Her life had been one mistake after another. Chris was too, but at the time he was her knight in shining armor. It wasn't until years later that she realized Uncle Matt was her real knight in shining armor. He'd taken her away, sobered her up and helped her start on the path to a new and much, much better life. When she joined the Marines she was ready for a change. It seemed to her that many of the other Marines were like her. Nowhere to go, wanted to make a new life and serve their country. As the motto goes, "In goes orphans, out comes family."

No, that didn't mean they were all friends. No way. But seeing the others go through the same thing you were dealing with bound them together. They became family when Semper Fi and mutual respect for the others were wrapped in one. She hadn't made any friends during trainings, but she'd made a few buddies. Most of her friends she'd made after training.

She was shook out of her trance by the squeak at the door. It was the nurse, checking in.

"Any change?" she asked while checking the bleeping machines connected to his unmoving body.

She shook her head no, sadly. She wanted him awake, to hear what he had to say before he died.

Harm had offered to go with her, but she had refused, thinking that this was something she had to do on her own. Now she regretted that, because she didn't want to be alone. Tonight was supposed to have been their first real date. During the last couple of months since her court martial, they had steadily been rebuilding their friendship so much that they were now moving forward towards a romantic relationship. Harm finding out about her marriage had ultimately led them to talk more and in an attempt to restore their trust, they had disclosed other secrets as well. Last week when he had asked her out on a date it had seemed like such a natural step for them to take. So even if he wasn't there with her now, his presence in her heart made it all much easier for her to bear.

She finally sank into one of the chairs at hand, and fell asleep.

She awoke to harsh sunlight streaming through the window. Squinting at her father, she sighed. Annoyed, she stood up and closed the blinds making the morning easier on herself. After sitting quietly for a time, she reached over and took her father's hand. Squeezing it gently she began to sing the song he'd sung to her only a few times as a young child. But those times were never forgotten. She waited and waited, but there was no reaction.

She eventually pulled out a few files to work on while she waited. She knew she had Major Myers nailed against the wall for dereliction of duty and negligent homicide. Taking a breather she glanced up at her father's pale, still form on the bed. Wait. Pale, but not still. She could've sworn she'd seen his eyes start to twitch. Then just as suddenly, it stopped. Mac didn't even realize she'd been holding her breath until she let it out. When the nurse checked in again, Mac was still focused on his eyelids.

"Something happen?"

"I could've sworn I'd seen his eyes start twitching. I thought he'd wake up." Her eyes still didn't stray.

The nurse just sighed, sad. "Unfortunately, its just a reflex many comatose patients have. Major... once your father... if your father comes out of his coma, it will be short lived. His organs are failing him. It's only a matter of time. This is coming from an experienced nurse though, and not a trained doctor."

Mac turned and stared out the window. As the nurse looked on, sympathizing, a movement out of the corner of her eye caught her attentions. His hand was shaking and he was trying to open up his eyes.

"Major!" she whispered excitedly, "Look!"

Mac spun on her heels and rushed to her side while the nurse quickly scanned his vitals and ran for the doctor.

Grabbing hold of his hand she prayed he would come to. When he finally opened his eyes, her image filled his head.

"Hi Daddy," she whispered.

His face contorted. He fell back against the pillow just as the doctor reached the doorway.

"He woke up!" she stated.

"Give him a bit. There's a good chance he'll come to again when he gets the energy," the doctor encouraged.

Just as predicted, Joe Mackenzie woke again a short time later. After being checked out by the medical staff, he turned to her.

"Sarah, we need to talk. There... there are things you don't know," his voice cracked, revealing something important was happening. "Sarah, when your mother and I got married she wanted a baby more than anything in the world. She'd always had that ideal house with the white picket fence thing in her head. I too wanted a baby. But not like her. She was... obsessive. But she loved her freedom, the ability to come and go as she pleased, even if she didn't realize it. Nothing we did worked. We couldn't have a baby."

Mac's eyes were bunched together in confusion. Had she been some miracle baby?

"Finally, your mother told me she'd contacted an adoption agency. Said I'd just have to sign a few forms and she'd do the rest."

She was adopted?!

"It wasn't until you came to us that I suspected what she'd done. You were already 10 months old. Your mother finally caved. She'd gotten desperate and she'd found a... a black market agency so to speak. But what could I do? I'd signed without looking at any of those papers. I didn't know the birth parents. Your mother would certainly never confess. So I've gone along with it all these years." He paused, eyes red with tears he wouldn't unleash. She stared, open mouthed and appalled. She had gone into total shock.

"I'm adopted? You and Mom... aren't... then Uncle Matt isn't... I mean..." tears began to roll down her face. Dangit she was a Marine!

The fact that her drunk father and wretch of a mother weren't biologically her parents was bad enough, but knowing that Uncle Matt wasn't... that she couldn't take.

"Sarah. Sweetheart," he began hesitantly, "A few years ago I got sober long enough to clean the house. I found the adoption papers."

Her head snapped up.

"Your...your real parents names are on them. While I'm sure the signatures are forged, I believe the names are real."

"Is my name even really Sarah?" Mac asked.

"I believe it is. Guess your mother got sentimental or something... It says Sarah on those papers at least."

He'd put the papers in a safe deposit box, secure in the fact that if he died the key to it would be discovered and she would know the truth.

"Where's my jacket?" he asked.

"It's in the closet."

"Bring it to me."

Curious, she did as he asked. Reaching into the deep pocket he retrieved the key.

"Here," he said. "Find the truth for yourself. I only hope someday you'll forgive me.

She nodded slowly, "I already have." There was a long silence. "Dad," she still referred to him, "if my... mother wanted me so badly, why'd she abandon me?"

"Like I said, she liked her freedom. You were more responsibility than she'd guessed. She missed her friends. Her life. Add that to an alcoholic husband... took her 15 years, but the straw broke the camel's back.

Without warning her father clutched his stomach and turned ghostly white. Mac ran to the door for the door and yelled for the doctor. It was no use, his organs had failed him.

Holding his coat and the key close to her, she slid down the wall to the floor. All she had left was a man in Leavenworth who may or may not know that he was not her biological uncle and a key to a possible future, which laid elsewhere. Or nowhere at all. But she had to see where it led, no matter what the cost. A thought struck her.

Strangely now, she realized how Harm felt about his father.

Harm. She had to tell somebody. Him. But wait. What if things turned out bad? If her parents were dead, or didn't want her now? Or were worse than the pair who had attempted to raise her? Then she needed him for support... No! She wouldn't drag him into this mess of a trailer trash soap opera life anymore than she already had unless she knew the outcome would be positive.

She gripped the key in her hand. This was the key - however punny it may seem - to her future. She stood up precariously and wandered out into the hallway as they took care of the body arrangements. The free services provided by the hospital there were taken care of by them. They informed her of the time of the graveside ceremony. As she was sitting in the waiting room an older, rather large woman entered. She had changed a lot from the last time Mac had seen her, but she would have been able to recognize her anywhere.

"Sarah," she said carefully.

"Why, Mom, why?" was the only thing Mac could get out.

"He told you?" Deanne, Mac's mother, quietly asked.

"Yeah," Mac nodded "Why did you do it? Why didn't you tell me?"

"Does it matter now?" Deanne asked. The truth was one of the reasons for her coming here had been to try to prevent her daughter from finding out about the adoption. She liked to think that it was for Sarah's sake, to prevent her from being hurt, but deep down that wasn't the reason.

"Yes, it matters a lot. I want to know. I need to know. To be able to move on."

"I'm still your mother, I raised you, took care of you when you were sick and comforted you when you were sad..."

"You left."

"I had to. Your father came at me with a knife and..."

"You left ME," Mac interrupted "I can understand why you left him. What I can't understand is why you left me alone with him... And I just want to know why you thought that you'd be better parents to me than my birth parents would have been."

"No one could have loved you more than I did. You don't know what those people were like."

"Do you?"

"I never met them, but..."

"Well, then you didn't know either," Mac made a pause and leaned forward on the chair and looked her mother right into the eyes "Right now I don't know how or when, but somehow I will come to terms with this and learn to forgive you for it too. I already forgave you for leaving and... I need time. I'm going to leave now." Mac got up from the chair and walked out of the room without turning around.

Back in her hotel room she stared at the key. Engraved on it were the words 'Bank of Arizona'. She picked up the phone and dialed the information. Three tries and a 50cent connection later she had it.

"Bank of Arizona, may I help you?"

"Yes. My uh, my father passed away recently and left in my possession a safety deposit box key. When would I be able to come by and take possession of the contents?"

"We're open Monday through Friday, 9 to 5. We'll need identification papers on you, proof of his death and the key."

"Okay, thank you."

After she hung up, she almost started to pace the room, but opted instead to get some dinner.

Back in her room an hour later, she noticed a light blinking on the phone, indicating a message.

Click. "Ms. Mackenzie, your father's funeral is set for the day after tomorrow. Tomorrow I'd like to meet with you and go over his will. Please call me at 555-3197 if you can make it." Beep.

She tossed her purse into a chair and decided she'd call him tomorrow. She readied herself for bed and sat tucked in, flipping channels. Of course nothing was ever on. She slid the remote onto the bedside table and turned in early.

"Yes, is Mr. Calhoun there? Yes I'll hold." She twisted the phone cord around her finger. She was so antsy!

"Calhoun."

"This is Sarah Mackenzie. What time would you like me to stop by and go over my father's will?"

"I have time at 1:00 if that suits you."

"Sounds fine, I'll see you then."

"I'll transfer you to my secretary, she can give you directions to the office."

"I'd appreciate it.'

She was early. She sat in the waiting room. If it wasn't for her internal clock, she'd be checking her watch every two minutes. Finally, the secretary told her she could go in.

"Ms. Mackenzie, I've discovered some information. A couple weeks ago, your father sold his house and most possessions to pay off extensive debts. I'm sorry, but there's no money or inheritance for you."

Mac paused. "It's almost like he was preparing to die."

"You're not upset? Over the money, I mean?" he asked nervously.

"Money's not important. I will however need a copy of his will."

"Any specific reason?"

"Because I asked for it."

"Right."

"I'll also need a copy of his death certificate."

"I don't know why..."

"I'm confident you'll be able to arrange that."

He nodded. He stepped over to his filing cabinet and pawed through some files.

"Luckily, I still have it. I was getting to file it away soon."

He made a copy of the needed documents and wished her a good day.

Papers in hand, she hopped into her rental and pressed on the gas, zooming closer and closer to the Bank of Arizona. Pulling into the parking lot she sat in shock for a moment. The names of her parents sat right through those walls.

'Then what are you waiting for, Marine? Act!' she berated herself.

She stepped out of the car and headed up the steps. Inside, a bank attendant pointed her in the direction of the safety deposit boxes.

After providing the required documents, she was directed to the aisle she needed, armed with the box number.

"I'll be at the desk if you need anything."

"Thanks."

She checked the key although she'd already memorized the number stamped there. 263. Making her way down the middle row she scanned the numbers. 240 - 253 - 263. She breathed deep and inserted the key. Twisting it slowly, it unlocked and she removed the box.

Sitting down gently on the floor, she pulled the papers out of the box and slowly unfolded them. She skipped past the first few pages of legal jargon she recognized so well.

'Custody is granted to Joe and Deanne Mackenzie on.... Yada yada... Jim and Marilyn Schonke reject all parental rights to Sarah Schonke...'

'SCHONKE?!' her mind screamed at her. How could this be? Her eyes pored over the page, wide-eyed and shocked. But... then this would mean... she and Dianne were related. Cousins? Sisters? Or twins??

She couldn't do this here. Messily grabbing the papers, she returned the box and exited the key.

She sat the key on the employee's desk, "I won't be keeping up the box here, so there's the key. Thanks," she said as she'd already begun to leave.

Not until she was safe in the car did she allow herself to breathe.

The odds... what were the odds? What were the odds that Harmon Rabb, her best friend on the verge to something more, had dated the woman she was possibly biologically related to?

**TBC**


	2. 2 of 9

AN: The response to this story has been... wow! Thank you!  
  
**Part 2 **

She neared the baggage claim of the airport and prepared herself for seeing Harm again. He had promised to pick her up and also said that he'd be on time, a promise she was still not quite positive he was going to be able to keep.

"Mac, Mac," he shouted when she almost walked past him. Instinctively he wrapped her in his arm and hugged her tightly to himself. "How are you holding up?" he asked and took a step back to take a good look at her. She looked tired, sad and scared.

"Right now I just want to get home as soon as possible. Can we... can we talk about it later?" Mac had decided to tell Harm about the new information she had about her family before possibly, she still wasn't sure about this, trying to contact them, but she didn't want to do it in the middle of the airport.

"Sure. Let's go get your bags."

An hour later they walked into Mac's apartment. Harm had without Mac having asked him understood that she wanted him to come with her. On the way they had picked something up to have for dinner.

They sat down on the couch and ate and then just looked at each other, Mac not knowing where to start and Harm afraid of pushing her too much by asking her anything.

"What... what are the names of Diane's parents?" Mac asked. Maybe it would be easier for her to tell him everything if she had more facts on her side.

"Diane Schonke?" Harm asked, but there wasn't really any doubt in his mind of which Diane she had meant. "Jim and Marilyn," he added before she answered his question.

Mac sighed heavily. Then it was like she had suspected. Harm's mind was also starting wander in that direction. He had often wondered about why Mac and Diane looked so much alike, but as time had passed by he had stopped seeing Diane in Mac and that had also led him to in someway think that maybe he was just imagining how much they looked alike. However every time he saw a photo of Diane he realized he wasn't.

"Before he died, my father told me some things," Mac started off and Harm now knew what was coming "It turns out that I'm adopted and the adoption papers say that Jim and Marilyn Schonke are my biological parents."

"I don't know what to say," Harm said just to say something. He reached over to take her hand and show her the support he couldn't express in words. "I never knew Diane had a sister."

"My father said that he suspected that it was a black market adoption, so maybe they didn't want to..." she trailed off.

"Are you going to contact them?"

"I don't know." At the same time as she hoped that they had wanted her, she was scared that they hadn't. That they had given her up voluntarily and wouldn't want to hear from her now. Maybe still having hope that she had been wanted was better than knowing that she hadn't been.

"The Schonkes, they are good people. Very protective of their family," he had learnt that the hard way "I can't imagine them voluntarily giving their daughter up," Harm said as if he had heard her thoughts.

"So you think that they would want to see me?" Mac asked carefully.

"I don't really know them that well, but if they don't they're the ones who are missing out on something not you," he squeezed her hand.

"I thought you and Diane knew each other for ages."

"We did, but her family didn't really like me so I didn't see a lot of them," as much as he didn't want to make this about him and Diane he realized he had to tell her the whole story about them. "When I was younger, when I was with her, I was different. Or maybe I wasn't that different at all. She was a first year at the academy when I was in my last year. We became close friends very fast. I think we both knew that there was something more there, but at the time the regulations at the academy stopped us from doing anything about it. Once I graduated we kept in touch through letters and phone calls."

Mac didn't interject anything more than an occasional nod and yes to encourage him to continue his story. Earlier it had some times hurt her to know that she looked so much like someone who she thought had meant more to him than she did. Right now that didn't matter anymore. She wanted to hear the whole story about them.

"Well, when we then saw each other we were more than friends," Harm said and Mac didn't need any further explanation to understand what he meant "We kept doing that, you know writing, talking on the phone and seeing each other whenever it was possible, but on an emotional level our relationship didn't really deepen. I was unable to let go of anything for her. I wouldn't sacrifice anything about my career or my goals. Not that she asked me to... I just wouldn't let her get so close that I'd have any obligations to her."

Harm got up from the couch and walked over to the window to look out. Looking back at it all he didn't understand why he had done the things he had done. The what ifs would follow him for the rest of his life.

"I didn't let her say that we were a couple or that we were dating. I never said I loved her and she knew it would have been the end if she had said it. Her family found out about us somehow. I don't know if she told them or if they simply figured it out. Back during the academy years her parents hadn't liked me because they felt I was to old for her and now they definitely didn't like me at all. After four years of this she broke up with me or whatever you should call it. I guess her family had finally convinced her that she deserved better and they were right."

"We..." he stopped for a while and Mac came over to the window and took his hand in hers to encourage him to keep on talking. It was obviously getting harder for him the closer he came to her death. "We promised to keep in touch and we did exchange some letters, but it was nothing like before. After my crash she came up and visited me at Gram's farm. She was careful, though, to keep her distance so she wouldn't get dragged into something with me again. It was successful and for the next couple of years we didn't have much contact even though she was stationed in Norfolk and I was here in Washington."

He stood quiet for a long time and just watched the cars that passed by down on the street.

"Before she left for the Seahawk, she came and visited me. I was so surprised to see her just show up on my doorstep. We talked and I guess we were both reminded of why we had become friends in the first place. During her three months away we sent many letters back and forth. It became obvious to both of us that we now were at a more even place. In the time we had spent apart I had grown up and caught up with her level of maturity. When they got back to Norfolk, she was going to come to my apartment as soon as she got off her watch and we were going to talk..." He didn't need to continue. She was very well aware of what had happened afterwards.

"I'm sorry Harm. I truly am," she said and carefully put her arms around his waist to pull him close.

"Hey, I'm suppose to be the one who's supporting you right now," Harm said and hugged her back.

"It can go both ways."

"So, have you decided if you want to go and see them?"

"I'm not sure it will be a great idea to do so. I don't know if I could take it if they pushed me away, but I also feel like I have to take the chance, otherwise I will always wonder what would have happened if..."

"I know what you mean. I'll support you whatever you do though, you do know that?"

Mac just nodded.

"Would you come with me?" she asked minutes later.

"I'm not sure it would be a great idea because of... you know all of that, but if you really want me to, than I will. Otherwise I will just drive up there with you and wait for you."

"Where do they live? I don't know anything about them. Maybe they will need more proof that I'm really who I am."

"They live in Baltimore and if Diane really did have a sister I doubt they will need anything more than to just look at you to see who you really are."

Mac smiled realizing that she had in that short time forgotten how much she looked like Diane. Than her face froze as another thought entered her mind.

"What if seeing me will only tear up their wounds about Diane again? I wouldn't want to hurt them anymore than they have already been hurt."

"But if their other daughter was kidnapped don't you think they would want her back or at least know that she is well. Besides speaking from personal experience with both of you. Once they get to know you, they will realize how different you two are and just see Mac when they look at you. I know I do."

"Thanks and you're right. In the end I think I would have gone alone anyway, regardless of what your relationship to them was like. I'm glad I have you at my side though. Through everything that has happened this year, you've stayed and I'm really grateful for that."

**TBC**


	3. 3 of 9

**Part 3 **

"Harm, I have a bad feeling about this," Mac said once Harm had turned off the engine. They were parked just outside the Schonkes' house and Mac was starting to regret going over there. She had decided to go there without calling first, so they weren't expecting her. It had been a week since her return from Arizona and in that week she and Harm had done some research to make sure that it was in fact possible that she was Diane's sister. At that point they were already pretty sure she was, but once they saw the old articles in the newspapers about the kidnapping of Jim and Marilyn Schonke's daughter, there were no doubts about that fact anymore.

Mac had been so happy with the intense support she had gotten from Harm. He had pushed her when her insecurities had gotten the best of her, but still let her stay in control of the situation. They hadn't said a word about their cancelled date yet and it didn't seem likely that they were going to talk about that anytime soon either.

"Mac, I'll be waiting here the whole time, but if you're not ready for this yet and want to talk to them on the phone first or just wait I think that's OK too and we can go back here when you're ready."

Mac watched the house hoping to somehow get a sign saying what she should do. The house wasn't very big, but it had large lawn in front of it and it looked like there was a garden behind. It seemed very well taken care of, but wasn't at all flashy or too perfect. It looked nice and cozy. Mac, however, knew better than to assume that the outside of the house had to be a reflection of the people living there, so it didn't reassure her a lot. She had come this far now though and she just had to know.

"No, I just need to get it over with." Mac went into marine-mode thinking of the walk up to the door as a mission she had to carry out.

"Mac... good luck," he said right before she closed the door.

She walked steadily up to the door and raised her hand up to knock on the door. She paused before she touched the door. This was the point of no return. And then she knocked loudly on the door.

30 seconds later the door opened and she stood face to face with a sixty-something grey-haired man. His eyes were identical with her own.

"Diane," he sighed. The confusion played across his face. He wondered if he was seeing a ghost or if he had completely lost his mind.

"No, sir, I'm not Diane," she said and shook her head looking deep into the man's eyes.

"Oh, God... Sarah."

Before Mac had a chance to say anything he had wrapped her in his arms and were holding her tighter than anyone had ever before.

"Sarah, you're alive. We thought that you were dead. We have missed you so, so much," he mumbled into her hair.

"Who was at the door?" a female voice asked. The man stepped back from Mac and she could see him brushing some tears away from his eyes. He didn't know what to say and neither did Mac.

The older woman stepped closer unsure if she could trust her eyes. What she thought she was seeing had been deemed impossible by everyone.

"Marilyn, it's Sarah."

"What? How?" she swayed a little in the air and the man grabbed hold of her to steady her on her feet. As he with his left arm held his wife he now offered his right hand to Mac.

"I'm Jim Schonke, but I guess you've figured that out by now. Sorry about the..."

"No, it's... I'm Sarah Mackenzie," she said and shook his hand "I'm sorry for coming here unannounced, maybe I should have called first. I didn't meant to shock you like this." She sneaked a peak at the woman in front of her, but she still seemed lost in another world.

"It would have been a shock, regardless of how we had found out." Jim moved his arm a little and that seemed to wake his wife out of her thoughts.

"I'm Marilyn," she said also taking Mac's hand. She looked at the woman, who was her daughter, trying to memorize everything about her, especially the differences to Diane.

Mac felt a little uncomfortable being watched so intensively, but it also gave her a chance to really take a look at her biological parents. Her mother was about her own height and brown-haired. Her eyes were blue and they were the only thing on her that looked old. She looked very young despite the many grieves she had been put through in her life. The sadness was just in her eyes. Jim gave a distinguished feeling of security and stableness away and Mac picked that up right from the start. She felt safe standing there close to him.

"Maybe, we should sit down in the living room," Jim suggested and carefully released Marilyn to go and close the door.

"Yes, that's a good idea," his wife agreed and carefully reached out to Mac and started to lead her towards the living room and offered her a place on the yellow couch covered with red cushions. The colors and the style of the room was very much like in Mac's own apartment. That fact made her smile.

"Would you like something to drink?" Marilyn asked nervously.

"A glass of water perhaps," Mac said just to avoid any more uncomfortable silence.

Marilyn soon returned with three glasses and a bottle of water.

"Thank you, ma'am," Mac said.

"Would you please call us Marilyn and Jim?" she pleaded with Mac and Mac nodded in agreement.

"So, how come you're here now?" Jim asked her sitting in the armchair opposite the couch.

"My... father died almost two weeks ago..."

"I'm sor..." Marilyn said instinctly, but then realized that this man might have been responsible for her daughter's kidnapping and swallowed the rest of the sentence.

"Before he died he told me I wasn't his biological child," Mac continued not paying attention to what Marilyn had said "I never knew that I was adopted. He said my mother had handled everything with the adoption and that he had suspected that everything hadn't gone quite by the book."

"It definitely hadn't. They kidnapped you," Jim interjected trying hard not to get upset realizing these might be people that Sarah really loved and cared for and attacking them probably wasn't a good move at this point. "I'm sorry, please continue."

"When I saw your names I realized that you must be related to Diane."

"You knew Diane?" Marilyn interrupted her again.

"She would have known who you were," Jim added.

"No, I didn't know her, but I know Harmon Rabb and he told me how much I look like her, so I knew her name and had seen some photos," Mac explained and saw how both of them flinched at Harm's name.

Marilyn and Jim continued to ask her some questions about her life and she readily answered them. The tensions slowly released all three of them and soon they were talking very freely. The mood got a bit more serious when they started talking about what had happened the day of the kidnapping.

"I had just gotten back to the house. You and Diane were sleeping in your pram," Marilyn started telling Mac. Mac had read a little about it in the newspaper articles she had found, but it was nothing compared to hearing the story be told. "I let the pram stay on the porch. It was good for you with the fresh air and everything and then I just went into the house for five minutes to call Jim and tell him to pick up some milk from the grocery store..."

"It's OK if you don't want to tell me about it," Mac said when Marilyn stopped talking for a while. Even though so much time had passed since the kidnapping it was obviously very hard for her to talk about.

"No, I do have to... When I got back out on the porch I heard Diane crying and... you were gone."

"They never found any lead on you or on who had taken you," Jim added with sadness in his voice.

"Diane cried constantly for weeks. She just wouldn't stop," Marilyn added.

"It must have been awful for all of you," Mac nodded.

"But you're here now. You're alive and well, that's all that matters."

"Maybe you want to take a look around the house?" Jim asked Mac trying to lift up the mood again. The three of them walked down a hall going into the first bedroom on the left. "This was Diane's room. And yours too, before..."

"Oh," Mac looked around the room. There weren't a lot of personal items in it. Mainly just a bed and a desk, but on the wall right over the bed hung two pictures obviously drawn by a child. On each picture was a baby one with pink and one with purple clothes on. On the picture closest to where Mac was standing was 'For Diane from Zachary' written with slightly irregular letters and on the other one was 'For Sarah from Zachary'.

"Zachary is your older brother. He was seven when you two were born," Marilyn smiled at the memory of how proud he had been when she had brought his two baby sisters home. "He's a lawyer just like you," she added.

They continued walking across the hallway and into another bedroom.

"This is Zachary's and Jimmy's room. Jimmy is just 18 months younger than you are," Jim continued to tell her "They still use the room whenever they come to see us."

"They will be so excited when they hear about this," Marilyn firmly stated and pressed Mac's hand.

An hour later Mac was forced to leave. It was a Sunday and the next day she had court early in the morning. They had exchanged phone-numbers and Jim and Marilyn had invited her over for dinner sometime hopefully in the next week so she could meet her brothers too. Zachary lived in Washington too and Jimmy, who was in the Navy just like his sister had been, was currently stationed in Maine, but his parents had been very convinced that he was going to be able to take some leave to come down to Baltimore and see them. It was with fear mixed with excitement she looked forward to that meeting.

They said goodbye and Mac walked out to the car where Harm was still waiting.

"I'm guessing things went well considering you were there for so long."

"I'm sorry about that."

"That's not what I meant. I'm just glad you got to talk and the expression on your face tells me you feel better about it now too."

"I do, I do. And thanks for waiting."

**TBC**


	4. 4 of 9

**Part 4 **

Mac got a strange feeling as she walked out of the car in front of her building. Something wasn't quite right and she felt like she was being watched. Marilyn had just called her on the cell phone and asked if she could come over for that dinner the following Saturday. Both of her brothers were going to be there too.

She thought she heard something behind her and turned around hastily, however she couldn't see anyone. She kept walking, but kept her keys in her hand just in case. Just before the door to the building slammed shut behind her a hand grabbed hold of it and opened it wider again. Mac was on alert immediately and decided to use surprise to her advantage. She grabbed hold of the man coming in through the door behind her and pushed him up to the wall with his face against the wall and his hands behind his back.

"Why were you following me?" she asked.

"Let me go. I don't want to hurt you," the man said and even though he had spoken rather annoyed and with some anger in his voice, something in his voice still made her let him go against her better judgment.

He stretched out his arms and looked at her. His eyes froze at her face.

"I'm Zachary Schonke," he introduced himself when Mac didn't do anything and looked like she'd knock him out if he made one wrong move. As she heard his name she also noticed how much he looked like his father. He was just a younger version with less wrinkles and more and darker hair.

"Oh, "she said "You really shouldn't sneak up on people like that."

"So I see," he said and offered his hand to her.

"Sarah Mackenzie," she said and shook his hand. "Sorry about that."

"It's OK," he made a pause before he continued "I guess I should tell you why I followed you... I got a little suspicious when Mom and Dad called and told me all about this, so I wanted to make sure you weren't some kind of deceiver."

"And you don't believe that anymore because..." Mac said almost a little angry.

"Well, they said you looked so much like Diane and all, but I thought that maybe it was just because they wanted it to be like that and now I've seen for myself... I'm really sorry about that."

"Apology accepted," Mac said.

"So I guess I'll see you on Saturday."

"Yeah," Mac nodded.

"Do you want me to pick you up? I mean we could go over there together."

"Sure," Mac agreed.

The trip over to Baltimore had passed very quickly for Mac in Zachary's company. Despite the bad first impression they had both gotten from each other, they really hit it off and were talking and laughing for most of the drive. It turned out that they had both studied law at the same University and they were now sharing stories about the teachers there.

Eventually they arrived at their parent's house and Jim and Marilyn warmly welcomed Mac.

"Hey, you haven't forgotten about me, have you?" Zachary joked as he walked into the house behind Mac.

"It wouldn't hurt if you came by a little more often to refresh our memories," Jim joked back with him.

They had just walked into the living room when there was a new knock on the door.

"That must be Jimmy," Marilyn said and went to open the door.

Zachary smiled encouragingly at Mac, trying to put her at ease.

"I'm Jimmy, the annoying little brother," Jimmy said and shook her hand when he stepped into the living room.

"Sarah Mackenzie," she said and smiled. He looked nothing like she had imagined. He didn't really look like any of the other family members. He had blonde hair and was very tall and obviously had a lot of muscles. It wasn't hard to believe he was a Navy SEAL.

Jim came out of the kitchen and offered them each a welcoming drink.

"I'm sorry, I don't drink alcohol," Mac said and to come clean right away she added "I'm an alcoholic."

Jim smiled at her with support, but Marilyn, Zachary and Jimmy just looked down at their feet not sure what to do or say.

"Why don't you come with me to the kitchen and we'll see what we can offer you?" Jim suggested to her and she saw it as a way to escape the tensions.

Mac came with him and when they returned to the living room the thing seemed to have been forgotten.

Soon they were all five sitting at the dinner table. Jimmy kept asking Mac questions making his parents and brother a little uncomfortable, but none of them tried to make him stop since they were quite interested to learn more about her too.

"You don't have children, right?"

"No, I don't."

"Do you want to?"

"Someday yes."

"That will make Mom glad. She's been nagging us for grandchildren for I don't know how long."

"Well, I'm still missing some parts of the puzzle there, so I'm guessing it will be a while," Mac smiled at Marilyn's slightly embarrassed look.

"So you aren't seeing anyone?"

"Not really," Mac shook her head.

"What does that mean?"

"I'm not. OK?"

"For now. So have you been married?"

"Yes," Mac answered and knowing that he was going to ask "He's dead. I accidentally shot him." Mac took a bite of food hoping that the subject was going to be dropped.

"Oh, what happened?"

"Jimmy," Marilyn warned him he was going to far. She felt it was up to Sarah how much she wanted to tell about her past.

"I guess you'll find out some other way anyway," Mac said "I was just 18 when I married Chris and then he went to prison and I straightened up my life, but I never divorced him. Last year he showed up needing money. I gave it to him, but he still didn't go away," Mac paused. In the months that had passed since Chris' death she had come to terms with it, but it was still hard to tell these people that she was so eager to make a good impression on about it. "A friend of mine had tried to help me so he was also in Chris's hotel room when Chris pointed a gun at him. I wrestled with Chris for the gun as a shot got off and it killed Chris."

"I'm sorry, Sarah, that all of these really bad things seem to have happened to you. I wish we'd been there for you. I wish..." Jim, who sat beside Mac and now put his hand over hers in a gesture of support, said, but the brothers did as their mother and just tried to act as normal as they could, like nothing had happened.

The people around the table sat silent for a while and then Marilyn got up from the table and started to put all the plates together. Zachary and Jimmy helped her and Mac was going to follow their lead, but Jim nodded for Mac to follow him out on the porch.

"We should be having our dinner outside instead. It's such a warm day," Jim sat down on one of the white chairs. Mac sat down beside him.

"I'm sorry, if I'm not like you expected me to be," Mac said quietly, not able to ignore the tense feeling that had filled the room after her admissions.

"You are everything I expected you to be, Sarah," he looked at her "It seems to me like you've had to work really hard to get where you are today. You should be proud of that and not think about the mistakes you made on the way here."

"Thank you. It means a lot to me to hear you say that."

"You see, my father was an alcoholic too. After my mother died there was no one to shield us from his anger at the world and he took it out on us. I never told Marilyn or my children about that. I just said that he was dead, which is true now, but he died after I enlisted in the Navy. Enlisting was a way to get away from home and at the time it seemed like it was my only choice. However there isn't one day that goes by that hasn't has me wondering about what would have happened if I had stayed. What had become of me, my father and my brother."

"Did you go back there after you quit the Navy?" Mac asked. There had been no hints that he had had any of the same experiences that she had and now it felt so good to hear him tell these things about himself.

"No, I didn't, but I was notified of my brother death. He drove drunk and crashed into a tree..." Jim fell silent. Mac reached out to him and took her hand in his.

"I'm sorry about that," Mac said.

"At the time I hadn't seen him for almost 15 years. Afterwards I kept asking myself if I should have stayed there. Maybe things would have been different then."

"You couldn't have kept them from drinking, even if you had tried."

"I guess you're right about that, but it doesn't stop me from thinking."

"We're going to start with dessert now," Jimmy popped his head out through the door to the porch.

"We're coming," Jim told him and once Jimmy was back inside he turned to Mac "You don't have to worry about what they're thinking about you either. We are all just surprised and shocked I guess. You look so much like Diane and yet you two are so different. After Diane died, Marilyn hasn't accepted us to say anything negative about her and the boys have followed that. I guess I just think that we would honor her more if we remembered her the way she was with all of her good and bad traits. See, she let things happen to her. She rarely grabbed a hold of her life and really took it the direction she wanted it to go herself. She let some people walk all over her,.But we still loved her very much."

Mac nodded in response.

"She should have been here now. She's the one who never gave up hope that you would come back to us. The only one in the family who didn't. Eventually, I guess she got tired of being told that you weren't coming back, so she stopped talking about you. But I don't think she ever stopped believing."

Mac realized that this was something Diane had had in common with Harm. Believing against better knowledge that the people they loved weren't just gone forever. She wondered how come Diane had never told Harm about it. She must have known that Harm wasn't going to judge her for it. That fact told Mac something about how close they had really been.

"Did you know I was with Harm when he found her murderer?"

"No, I didn't. That Lieutenant..."

"Roberts," Mac filled in.

"Yes, a nice young man. He called and told us what had happened. It gave us a lot of closure."

The father and daughter remained silent for a while. Mac knew that they probably should go inside, but she enjoyed sitting out there with Jim so much that she didn't want to end it.

"They," he nodded inside to the house "see these things that they are unfamiliar with so much in black and white. An alcoholic is a bad person. They don't realize there's a person behind all of that. However I don't think we should count them out just yet. Once they get to know you they'll be able to see behind all of that."

Jim got up from his chair and Mac followed him inside to the living room again. The atmosphere was once again lively and free.

On the way back to Washington Zachary and Mac kept up the conversation.

"I hope you weren't offended by any of Jimmy's questions."

"No, it's OK," Mac answered "It's better you find out now from me than from anyone else."

"You sure have lived through a lot."

"I guess."

"Mom told me you know Harmon Rabb."

"I do. He's a friend of mine."

"Isn't it hard to be friends with him knowing what he did to our sister? I never knew what Diane saw in him," he said and Mac could hear him gritting his teeth.

"He's the best friend I've ever had," Mac simply said "I didn't know everything about him and Diane when I got to know him and I don't know if things had been different if I had known about that and the fact that Diane was my sister, but he's different now, he has changed. He's the best friend I've ever had," she repeated.

"So he's got you under his spell too. You better be careful there, Sarah."

"For you information, brother, I am very much capable of taking care of myself."

"It's an older brother prerogative to look out for his younger sisters," Zachary said and stressed the older and younger part. "I just don't want him to hurt you like he hurt..."

"Can we please not talk about that and just agree to disagree?" Mac interrupted. She had tried to joke it away and when that had failed she had decided to say it out straight.

"Sure," Zachary said and did drop the subject for this time They went on to talk about other things and the rest of the drive was spent in friendly companionship.

**TBC**


	5. 5 of 9

**Part 5 **

"Ma'am, there's a gentleman waiting for you in your office," Harriet informed Mac as she stepped into the bullpen. She and Harm had been out on an investigation all morning and was now returning to their offices.

"Who is it?" Mac asked not being able to see who the person was through her closed blinds. She really just wanted to get off to lunch as soon as possible.

"I don't know, but he said he was here on personal business," Harriet looked knowingly and continued in a light voice "I didn't know you had started dating again," she was stopped by the fatal stare that Mac gave her "Hormones," she muttered and was starting to fear the time when she wouldn't be able to blame her occasional slip of the tongue on her pregnancy anymore.

"I'll see you in five for lunch," Harm said and walked over to his office.

"Yeah," Mac agreed and did the same thing. She opened the door to her office and was positively surprised by who was waiting for her.

"Zachary, what are you doing here?" she said and smiled.

"Just thought I'd come by and see if you wanted to have lunch. I was in the neighborhood and the lieutenant told me you'd be back any minute so I decided to wait."

"I'd love to have lunch, but I..."

"If you already have plans, then we'll just have to do it some other time."

"I do, but maybe I can change them." Mac made a move for the phone, but realized that she really didn't want to talk to Harm while her brother was listening. "Just wait a second," she said and went over to Harm's office.

The door was open so she knocked on the doorpost and then entered.

"Ready to go?" Harm asked her.

"About that," Mac started.

"You're standing me up for that other man?" he joked with her.

"Well, Zachary is here and he wanted us to have lunch together, so I was just wondering if maybe we could..."

"Sure Mac," Harm said understandingly "Maybe I could come over tonight. There is something I need to talk to you about."

"About what?"

"I'll tell you tonight?" he asked.

"Sure. Come whenever, I'll be home. I'm sorry about lunch."

"It's OK, Mac. It really is."

Mac returned to her office to get Zachary and on the way to the elevator she got an idea.

"I'd like to introduce you to someone, if that's OK?" Mac askd. She had understood that he hadn't told Harriet that he was her brother, but she wasn't sure if that was for her or for his own sake.

"Sure. I didn't know if you had told anyone here about us, so I thought I'd better not tell them I was your brother. Just in case."

"I haven't, but it would have been OK, if you had."

"Harriet," Mac said as she approached Harriet's desk "This is my brother Zachary Schonke. Zachary this is Lieutenant Harriet Sims."

Harriet was stunned and then she took Zachary's hand.

"Ma'am I'm sorry about before... I didn't know you had a brother."

"It's OK, Harriet" Mac said and smiled.

Harm got ready to knock on the door to Mac's apartment but before he had knocked on it the door was opened.

"Hey, have your psychic abilities developed?" he asked her.

"No, but I saw your car parked down there so I figured it was just a matter of time before you got up here."

"Hm, am I to believe that?"

"Come on in. I made some dinner and if you're nice you might even get some of it."

They sat down at the dinner table and served themselves from the food.

"How was lunch?"

"Good. We have a lot to talk about."

"That's nice. So you think you'll keep in touch with them?"

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure I will. Maybe it would have been different if I still had contact with my parents, but right now it just feels so good to belong somewhere."

"I can understand that. I'm happy for you."

"Some things will be hard at first, we practically know nothing about each other so there's a lot of things to get used to, but I really think that they could become my true family. I know it might seem kind of weird considering the short time that I've known them. It's just the way I feel, I guess. There is a band there."

"I don't think it's weird. It's something you've been missing for so long and you truly deserve it."

They continued eating and once they were finished Harm looked deep into Mac's eyes and started off what he rightfully thought was going to be a tough conversation.

"Mac, what I wanted to talk to you about was," Mac smiled supportively at him and put down her fork to make him see she was all ears. "When you were away in Arizona I had eye surgery."

Mac was unsure of where this was going and just listened to him without responding.

"It turns out there was a way for me to maybe get my night vision back."

"Did you?" Mac asked both happy for him and scared.

"I did and... I've requested a change of designator. I want to go back to flying."

Mac swallowed and looked down on her hands.

"I know this comes sudden."

"It does. I mean I'm happy for you, but I don't want to loose you either. You are my..." Mac didn't know what to call him.

"You'll never loose me, Mac," he tried to reassure her "This time apart might get us to figure out what we really want to be to each other. I mean we were heading somewhere and then everything with your family happened so it was postponed. I think you still need some time to figure out if you ever want to have it un-postponed."

"Harm, I think I know what I want. I'm just not so sure that I can have that." It wasn't just her newfound family's dislike for Harm that was playing games with her head. She was also developing a sort of loyalty to Diane that made it hard for her to picture herself having a relationship with Harm.

"My point exactly."

"But I don't want you on the other side of the planet."

"Well nothing is decided yet."

"But still. The chances must be pretty good for you."

Two weeks later Mac was standing in Harm's office waiting for him to come into it and say goodbye. His request for change of designator had been approved and this day was his last day there. They had agreed to say goodbye at the office hoping that it would somehow make it easier.

"I guess this is it," Harm entered the office and closed the door.

"I guess it is."

"I'll be back."

"It won't be the same."

"Maybe it will be better."

"Maybe it won't."

"Maybe you should try to be a little more optimistic," he tried to keep the conversation light.

"I will miss you," Mac offered him and they embraced "Why am I the only one who's crying?" she asked when the tears started to make their way down her cheek.

"You're not," he pulled away from her and put a finger under her chin to raise her head up so she could see his face. Slowly he bent forward and kissed her lips sweetly. He pulled away and apologized "I'm sorry, Mac. I didn't plan on doing that."

"I'm not sorry, for anything, Harm."

"Then neither am I," he backed out of his office and walked across the bullpen out of JAG HQ.

**TBC**


	6. 6 of 9

**Part 6 **

It had been almost four months since Harm had left for the Patrick-Henry. Mac was receiving letters several times a week and wrote back to him just as often, but she still had so enough time to miss him a lot. That was what she had been thinking about for the whole flight up to the base in Maine. She was there to do an investigation on a mishap during training.

"Colonel Mackenzie," the SEAL-commander said when Mac walked into his office. "I can't say it's a pleasure to have you here."

"Well, it is rather seldom that we do hear that."

"But we'll fully cooperate with your investigation and that's what I've told my men too." He buzzed the intercom and ordered his yeaman to send 'him' in.

"This is Petty Officer Schonke. He'll show you around the base and explain how everything is done here. I hope that we'll help you with your investigation. I want it done ASAP."

"I'll do my best," Mac answered and smiled towards Jimmy.

"What do I need to see first?"

"The field outside where it happened, ma'am," Jimmy said not falling out of military decorum for a second.

"Then let's get to work."

"Follow me, ma'am."

They left the commanders office. On the walk over to the field Mac ran a little to catch up with Jimmy's long steps.

"So Lieutenant Colonel? You're doing well I see, ma'am."

"Jimmy, you don't have to say ma'am to me you know. At least not when we're alone."

"It's the uniform, ma'am," Jimmy explained himself.

"Well, it's nice to see you, little brother. What would you say to dinner together later tonight? Off base and out of uniform of course."

"As long as the sibling with the recent pay raise pays..."

"What? Have you lost all of your money playing poker again?"

"Who told you about that? Anyway that was years ago..."

They had walked up to the field where the SEALs were usually training, but at the moment it was lying there deserted. They were back to business.

"So where do you want to go? Is there any especially nice restaurant around here?"

"If you like seafood I think I know one you'd like," Jimmy said.

"Sure. Let's go."

"Mom tells me you make the rest of us, even Diane, look bad," Jimmy told her when they sat down at a table by the window in the small restaurant.

"Why is that?" Mac said worriedly.

"You come up and visit them so often and you call..." he pretended to be pouting, but soon he smiled wholeheartedly at her "But you know I think it's great that you've gotten such a great relationship with them. I can't imagine what it's like to find something like that out. And our family can't be the easiest to come into with all of our luggage."

"Well, you've been great and so welcoming so it's just been a positive experience really. Besides I don't come without luggage either."

Jimmy looked down on the table and there was a pause in the conversation before he started talking again.

"I want to apologize for my reaction when you told us about your alcoholism and your ex-husband. I know it must have been hard and I think it was really brave of you to do so right from the start," Jimmy was looking into her eyes "What I'm saying is that I really appreciate your honesty and I wish I had been more supporting at the time."

"It's OK. I know it must be weird to see me look so much like Diane and still we're so different."

"You're different, but you're very much alike too. You care about other people, you're smart, honest and strong. I'm really proud to have you as a sister, Sarah."

"Thank you," Mac said and her cheeks got embarrassingly pink "I always wanted siblings when I was little and I'm really glad that I've gotten to know you and Zachary now. Better late then never."

"And I hear you spend a lot of time with Zachary. Every time I talk to him lately it's Sarah this and Sarah that..."

"Yeah, we do. We have a lot of fun together and now that Harm isn't here," Mac explained, but decided not to continue. Jimmy felt pretty much the same way about Harm as the rest of the family did.

"What do you do when you're not seeing our brother?" Jimmy said deciding not to ask her about Harm.

"Well, I like to work out and I go and visit my godson. He's just four months old."

"A baby?"

"Yeah. Quite seriously he is a baby. I'm not kidding you."

"Yeah, those things that scream and smell funny, right?"

"Something tells me you're not a baby-person."

"No, definitely not."

There was a pause in the conversation filled with laughter.

"So do you think you'll be able to solve this case fast?"

"Don't worry about it. You'll be rid of me sooner then you think," Mac said and her statement was followed by a moment of awkward silence when she realized what she had said.

"I don't want to be rid of you at all. I never did. It was always so weird to know that I had one more sister that I had never met and no one thought I would ever meet. I'm glad it didn't turn out that way."

"Yeah, so am I, Jimmy," Mac said and nodded as she smiled.

**TBC**


	7. 7 of 9

**Part 7 **

Six months after Harm left for flying Mac was standing in the airport anxiously and nervously awaiting the return of him. She hadn't seen him for six months, but in that time they had exchanged a large number of letters and even a few phone calls. In some ways she knew him better now than she ever had before. However that was also what made her so nervous right now. She didn't know how she was going to act around him or how he would act around her.

And then there he was. As handsome and proud as he had been when he left. She waved at him, but he had already noticed her and was walking straight to her.

Without saying anything he dropped his bags and wrapped her in his arms.

"I missed you," she got out and felt her cheeks getting embarrassingly wet.

"Hey, you can't cry now that I'm back, Marine," he protested, but she could see the tears in the corner of his eyes as well.

"Sorry," she smiled at him.

"So are we going to stand here for the rest of the day because I recall being promised dinner..."

"Right, I was thinking we could stop by at Beltway Burgers..." Mac ducked her head before Harm's arm swung lightly into it. "Alright, alright, maybe we can find something in my apartment."

"Well, we'd better," Harm muttered and together they walked out of the airport and towards Mac's car. 'It sure was good to be home,' he said to himself.

* * *

"Hold on a second and I'll put the casserole on for heating," Mac said and disappeared into the kitchen. She had asked him if he'd rather go home to his place and bring the casserole with him, but he had said he wanted to eat with her and as soon as possible too. He was really tired, but he had missed her too much to say goodbye to her again so soon.

He sat down on her couch and started to make himself comfortable, but then he sat up more straight realizing that he shouldn't be too comfortable or he might fall asleep.

"So, how have you been? Tell me everything," Mac said as she returned and sat down on the couch beside him.

"You should know. I did write to you several times a week."

Mac smiled at the thought of the letters. She would never have admitted it, but some, well maybe a lot of weeks reading those letters had been the best thing. They had made her smile and laugh. Quite early on in the deployment they had some how changed character. They were no longer from her potential date Harm, but just from her best friend Harm. She hadn't dared to ask what had caused this to change and since she had still been so insecure about where she wanted to stand with Harm, it had felt reassuring that they were still best friends like that, however she had been disappointed too.

"But I want to hear it from you. I still think it's weird that I wasn't sent out on even one single investigation to the Patrick Henry during your time there."

"Maybe I was setting a good example for the rest of them," Harm proposed as a reasonable explanation.

"Sounds really plausible, Commander," Mac mockingly agreed. She got up from the couch to get the food and then they spent the rest of the early evening eating and catching up. Most of the things they were both already filled in on, like Mac's promotion to lieutenant colonel for instance, but they could still find new things to talk about. At one point though Harm just had to go home or he would have crashed right there on the spot. Mac drove him back to his apartment and silently thanked whoever had been responsible for bringing back her best friend in one piece.

* * *

"You've been busy at work lately, haven't you?" Zachary asked as Mac and he were driving over to Baltimore for Christmas. At this point Harm had been back for a little more than six weeks.

"Not more than usually," Mac said.

"Whenever I've tried to get a hold on you, you were off to some work dinner or something like that.

It wasn't because she actually meant to not tell him about her dinners with Harm, that really had been work dinners, at least that was how everyone of them started out and got more personal later on, so she hadn't been lying, she just knew that not mentioning Harm's name was saving them from more uncomfortable discussions on the topic.

"Maybe you're right," she said.

"Is there something that I should be aware of?" he joked with her. They both knew that they would soon be given the third degree on their love life by their mother and those talks, also known as interrogations, normally started off with that phrase.

"I guess Jimmy gets off this time," Mac laughed.

"It's a miracle he's found someone to come along," Zachary muttered and Mac playfully hit him.

"Hey, be nice."

"I don't want you two to gang up on me," Zachary said acting like the thought was scaring him.

* * *

"Sarah, are you coming?" Marilyn started going towards the room, but stopped when Mac assured her that she'd be there any moment.

The whole family was going to the cemetery to visit Diane's grave. It had been a family tradition of some sort to go there on every Christmas Day since Diane had died and today was the first time Mac was coming along. It was in fact the first time she was going there at all. She had once asked Jim where Diane was buried and he had told her where. She had even driven over there once after one of the visits to her parents. At the parking place she had been unable to get out of the car and she had just sitten there for the longest time until she had driven off back to Washington again.

They all got into the two cars they were driving over to the cemetery by the church. Mac rode together with Marilyn, Jimmy and his girlfriend Maria. Maria was a Petty Officer stationed at the same base as Jimmy and she was deeply terrified of Mac. Mac didn't know if it was just the marine part or the fact that she was a lieutenant colonel, but Maria hardly spoke a single word to her, which was pretty hard not to notice considering they were both sharing Diane's old room.

The whole group walked up to the grave. Marilyn walked over to the stone and brushed away the snow that had gathered on it.

"Here she lies my little girl," she said "One of my little girls." She looked up at Mac. They put out the small grave-lights they had brought along and lit them for their daughter and sister.

Mac thought about the fact that here lay this person, her sister, whose life her own was so entwined with, yet they had only known each other when they were babies and would never have the chance to do so now.

"Let's all squeeze into the car. You can fit three in the back, right?" Jim asked as they were once again standing on the parking place.

"We're all riding with you home. Where is Marilyn going?" Mac asked slightly confused.

"Mom has this thing she does every Christmas Day. I don't know why or where, but she always goes away somewhere alone. Since Diane's death it's always been after the visit here," Jimmy tried to explain to her.

At the same time Marilyn walked over from her car, which was parked a short distance away.

"Sarah, would you like to come with me?" she asked knowing that someone had probably filled her in on her special Christmas tradition by now.

"Sure," Mac said slightly confused and followed her back to the car.

* * *

"This is where I go every Christmas," Marilyn said and wiped away the snow from the park bench before she sat down on it. It was a beautiful park in the summer. Filled with flowers, green grass and children that were playing on the playground. On this day however the two first things were sleeping under a cover of snow and the children were at home with their families and by this time probably playing with their new toys.

Mac sat down beside her. The ride in the car had been done in silence, but now Marilyn seemed to be ready to talk about the reason for the visit to the park.

"Once I lost the hope for your return... I... I started wishing that you had died instead of being kidnapped. Because then I would have known where you were and I'd have a grave to visit and... I'm really sorry, Sarah. You were alive and in trouble and all I did was wishing that you were dead. I should have felt that you were alive, I should have known. Do you think you can ever forgive me for that?"

Tears were starting to make their way down her cheek. Mac was unsure of what to say. She hadn't had many really deep conversations with Marilyn before and the revelation was catching her with surprise. She took time collecting herself to make sure she would say the right thing.

"I forgive you, Marilyn," Mac said trying to keep her voice strong and convincing, because what she was saying was the absolute truth "I can understand why you would feel that way so you don't have to apologize to me about that."

"Since I didn't have a grave I used to come here instead. When the children were young, they would come as well, but they never knew what significance this place had. Right before they took you, we'd been here, you, Diane and me. I don't think I was ever as happy as I was at that moment. I had just found out that I was pregnant with Jimmy, you and Diane were such angels and Zachary was doing so well in school. Then everything was just ruined by those people who took you away."

"I'm sorry," Mac said for some reason wanting to take on the responsibility her adoptive mother had been unwilling to take.

"You were not at fault, Sarah. Don't ever think that you were and don't ever say that again," Marilyn had turned her eyes away from the playground and looked Mac in the eyes. "They hurt you and they hurt us. They hurt Diane more than I thought was possible."

"Sometimes I wonder if you were disappointed that I came back and not Diane," Mac admitted.

"Diane can't come back. She's gone forever, but I'm so glad that you are here, back with us where you belong," Marilyn paused "The two of you are more alike than you know. I think Diane never really got over wondering if we'd rather have kept you than her, if we'd been given a choice. It's horrible to think that way and I think she tried her best not to. However she never quite managed to put it away. She put so much pressure on herself to always be the best and succeed. She did it for us and not for herself."

Mac sat quiet. She had never thought about it that way. That Diane had felt any of those things, the same fears that she at times were having.

"I would have loved to have met her. It's a wish that just grows stronger and stronger even though I know that it can never happen."

"Just not in this life," Marilyn said. There were a few moments of silence and then she said "She addressed her diary to you, did you know that?" Mac of course shook her head no "Some people write 'Dear diary', but she wrote 'Dear Sarah'. The diaries are still at the house, if you would like to have them. I meant to give them to you, but it just never happened. I think they belong to you."

"I couldn't read them," Mac said "But if you feel that I should have them, I would love to," Mac said. They remained sitting silent on the bench for some couple of minutes until they both felt ready to get back to the house and the rest of the family.

**TBC**


	8. 8 of 9

AN: Only two parts left... A big thank you to everyone who has written to me about the story or reviewed. It's nice to know there are people out there reading. Also, a very big thank you to Cria for betaing.

**Part 8 **

"What are your plans for your birthday?" Harm asked Mac when she stepped into the break room. It was a Monday in early February.

"I don't know. I hadn't really planned on doing anything special for it considering it's not really my birthday anymore, just what was on a piece of paper."

"It was your birthday for 32 years," Harm protested.

"I guess that's true," Mac admitted.

"So will you let me celebrate with you?"

"I guess," Mac smiled feeling herself getting a bit excited about it all.

"Good morning Colonel, Commander," Bud said when he too entered the break room.

"Good morning Bud, " they answered back.

"Harriet and I was wondering if either you'd like to baby-sit Baby AJ on Friday? I thought I'd ask you both since you seem to be joined at the hip lately..." he stopped talking realizing this might be exactly what he shouldn't say to his superior officers.

"We're not joined at the hip," Mac protested to busy trying to deny what Bud had said to have time to be upset with him.

"No, we do lots of things apart," Harm said trying to convince them all three that so was the case "Yesterday afternoon Mac was up in Baltimore visiting her parents I was out on the air field working on Sarah."

"And yesterday morning?" Bud asked.

"We went jogging in the park," Mac said.

"Together?"

"Well, yes. It's easier to motivate yourself when you do it with someone else," Harm tried to explain.

"OK," Bud said not feeling at all like they had actually proven anything to him.

"I'd love to come over and baby-sit. Just let me know when I should come," Mac decided that escaping to her office was a good way out of the conversation for now and therefore left the room.

"Well, I don't have anything else to do either, so I'll come too," Harm tried to say as casually as he could to Bud and then left the room as well.

Mac was almost finished with dinner when there was a knock on the door. It must be Harm she thought and took off the apron she had been covering her clothes with and went to open up. On the other side of the door was the tall and handsome Harmon Rabb just like Mac had thought waiting. She was speechless when she caught sight of him. He was wearing a suit that she didn't recognize and his smile made her heart skip a beat.

"Hey," she got out "Welcome inside," she stepped aside and Harm reached over the enormous bouquet of roses to her.

"Happy birthday, Mac."

"Oh, they're... they're beautiful, Harm. Thank you!"

"You're welcome," he tried to kill her with another one of his smiles.

"I just need to do one more thing and dinner will be ready," Mac said inhaling the wonderful scent of the flowers.

"Take your time, Mac," Harm told her.

"It was fun yesterday, wasn't it?" Mac asked as she gave the final touch to her spicy cucumber soup. After the soup they were having salmon with honey and cashew-nuts

"Yeah, AJ has gotten so big. I can see why Harriet and Bud would need a break from it all though."

"Oh yeah," Mac answered him.

It wasn't long until they were sitting at the table enjoying the dinner.

"I should let you cook more often. This was really good," Harm admitted.

"I never said I couldn't cook. I just don't like to do it a lot." She smiled and he smiled back at her.

"You are... you are so beautiful tonight, Mac," Harm told her and watched her face like he couldn't get enough of it.

"Oh Harm," Mac said and when he just continued to watch her she added a shy "Thank you."

He just smiled back at her. They were finished with dinner and Mac took the plates and glasses over to just put in the kitchen. After putting the left-overs in the refrigerator, she turned around to Harm and told him that the rest could wait.

"Do you want to wait with dessert?" she asked being completely stuffed herself at the moment.

"I couldn't get anything down now."

"Me neither."

They went out to the living room and Mac put on a new CD she had bought herself as a present.

"I have something for you," Harm said and got out a small package "I hope you'll like it," he nervously added.

"Thank you," Mac slowly unwrapped the red package with golden strings and discovered a golden heart on a chain. Turning the charm over there was an inscription, it said 'H and M'. "Oh, Harm this is too much," a tear started making it's way down her cheek.

"No, it's not. You deserve it and when I found it in that shop close to my apartment that you love and saw the inscription I knew I had to give it to you."

"Harm, it's beautiful, but it's still too much." Now tears were steadily moving down her cheeks.

"Mac, I didn't mean to make you cry. I just wanted you to know how important you are to me. You're my best friend, my other half. Without you I'm not a whole person."

"Harm, the necklace is wonderful, but it isn't a present you give your best friend. Lately it's been like we're just pretending that we're not having a relationship, but right now in a lot of ways we do, we just don't call it that. We go out to dinner together and... Even Bud had noticed that we spend almost all of our time together," Mac paused trying to gather her thoughts. "Right now I have all the disadvantages that a relationship with you would have... the complications with my family and all... but we're not really together. I don't have you... not the way I would like to. I just don't think I can go on like this."

Harm had been quite during her speech, but now gathered himself to say what he felt. "Mac, you know why we can't be together like that."

"No. I'm not so sure that I do know that anymore."

"I can't have you risk anything about your relationship with your family for me. I just can't let you do that, because I know how important they are to you..."

"They are important to me, but... When you were leaving last spring you seemed to be feeling differently."

Harm paused like he was thinking and then decided to say "Yes, I did."

"What changed? Something changed when you were out there, I could see it in your letters."

"Two weeks into my deployment, I had a close call during a landing and... well, all I could think about was you. If we were together and then something happened to me I wouldn't want you to be alone. I'd want you to still have your family especially then," Harm was slowly and carefully explaining what had changed his mind about them.

"I wouldn't want that either, for me or for you, but you can't live your life waiting for accidents that may never happen. Maybe we should take a chance at this. I could talk to my parents, they might feel differently if they got to know you and realize you were not the same person who was with Diane..." Mac was silenced by her own words. Some people's approval they were never going to be able to get.

"Mac, I'd rather stay your best friend then risk loosing that. It's what matters most to me in the whole world."

"But you do realize that it means we have to change things between us. I can't play this game with you any longer, because if we do I'm afraid we're going to loose just that"

Harm swallowed "Yes, I do."

**TBC**


	9. 9 of 9

**Part 9 **

Mac was putting the last of the decorations on the table and wondered silently how Marilyn had managed to rope her into having this party. Of course she could understand that she and the rest of the family wanted to celebrate her so important 33 birthday with her. It was the first birthday she would have together with her family, but she still felt that it had been really unnecessary to invite all the people from JAG as well. She felt like a little child celebrating her birthday with a party. However everyone had seemed glad about being invited and they looked forward to meeting her family. Except for Harm, who had already met them all, the only one her colleagues had met was Zachary.

There was a knock on the door and she went to open up. Her parents and Zachary were already there helping her to organize the food. Jimmy had just called and said that his flight was going to be late. Mac had previously tried to assure him that there was no need for him to take out leave to come to her birthday, but Jimmy had told her that Marilyn had threatened him with bodily harm if he didn't. Besides he was also going to go to Baltimore and visit with some of his old friends. She was also pretty sure that it wouldn't be Harm behind that door so early. He was probably going to be late, hoping to be able to melt in among the other guests. Until now he hadn't seen any of her family since back when he had his thing with Diane.

In through the door came the Roberts' together with their son. Mac greeted them and introduced them to her parents.

Slowly the apartment was filling with people. Eventually Harm showed up too. Mac and he had tried to spend less time together ever since her other birthday, but they seemed to be unable to do so. They were drawn back together and after a week of not spending as much spare time together, they gave up both stating to themselves that they could spend time together just as friends.

"I didn't believe that you were going to wear it," he said and touched the heart shaped charm she wore around her neck.

"Of course. I love it, Harm. I really do. That wasn't the reason I..." Mac answered him and the intense stare that met her eyes made her look away.

"I know, I know."

"It's been a while, Rabb," Zachary had joined them and it made Harm take a step back from Mac and offer his hand to her brother. Zachary accepted it, but made it clear that he wasn't liking what he was seeing.

Mac went over to her parents to reintroduce Harm to them as well and then Harm disappeared to mingle with the rest of the guests. As soon as he started to get close to any member of the family he would turn away. Not out of fear or want to avoid them, but out of respect for their feelings.

Eventually Jimmy arrived and after being properly welcomed by his siblings and parents, they hadn't seen each other since Christmas three months earlier, he went around and said hello to all of the other guests. Finally everyone was there and people seemed to be enjoying themselves. Occasionally Mac and Harm's eyes would meet across the room, but Mac was kept busy by her younger brother and the rest of the guests so they didn't approach each other.

"Sarah," Jim had followed Mac out to the kitchen when she went to get some more bottles of coke.

"Mm hm," she answered him as she got the things out from the fridge.

"You do realize that we love you," he said seriously.

"Yeah... I mean I love you too," Mac answered and stopped what she was doing to look at him.

"We wouldn't want you to get hurt," he added and Mac caught on to where he was going. She started to protest, but he quickly waved her protests away "Listen to me, please. What I'm saying is that we will love you and support you no matter what you do or... who you're with as long as it makes you happy."

Mac nodded, but still didn't quite believe that he meant what she thought he was saying.

"Answer me honestly, Sarah. Is there something more than friendship going on between you and Harm?"

Mac just swallowed and looked at him with big fearful eyes. She nodded slightly once.

"I... Nothing has really happened, but I think it could if we would let it."

"Are you afraid of him, that he would hurt you... or just of how we'd react to it?"

"Harm would never hurt me," Mac stated steadily. That was one thing she believed more than anything.

"We're your family, Sarah, we don't want to stand in the way of your happiness. I can't really talk for Diane, but in my opinion there is no way she would have wanted to keep you from being happy, even if it was with Harm. In the end if we kept you back from finding you happiness, I fear you'll start to resent us."

"I would never..."

"He's right you know," Mac turned around and found not only Jimmy, who had just spoken, but also Marilyn and Zachary also in the kitchen. She hadn't heard them enter.

"Rabb isn't the man I would choose, but..." Zachary started off.

"You don't get a vote," his mother interrupted him.

"Now that we've cleared that, maybe we should return to the party," Jim concluded the conversation.

"Thank you," Mac said and looked at her whole family one after another "I really needed to hear you say that."

"I know and the fact that you did means a lot to us," Marilyn said and led her by the arm back out to the living room.

As soon as Zachary and Jimmy had entered the room they searched out Harm and practically pushed him into the guest bedroom. Except for Mac, Jim and Marilyn no one else noticed what had happened.

"What is that about?" Mac asked no one I particular, but her mother who was still standing beside her stopped her from going after them.

"Just something brothers need to do. Let them have their five minutes. Supposedly it will make them feel better and I'm sure Harm will survive," Marilyn answered her trying to calm her down.

At the same time in the guest bedroom Zachary started talking to Harm "If you ever so much as think a hurtful thought towards our sister..."

"We will hunt you down and once we're finished with you, you will wish that you were dead..." Jimmy finished off his sentence and to intimidate him more he stepped closer making that little height difference that were between them to Harm's disadvantage seeming even greater.

"Is that understood?"

The fact that it was rather funny that a Petty Officer and his legal weenie brother threatening the Navy Commander didn't enter the heads of anyone in the room.

"Yes, that is understood," Harm said with the outmost seriousness. He thought that they would soon also make him promise that he'd stay away from her from now on. That was something Harm wouldn't be able to do.

"I do hope you plan on making her happy," Zachary said and it wasn't lost on Harm what he meant by that.

"I'll never stop trying," Harm realized that they weren't 'asking' him to stay away from their sister, but making up the terms of him getting closer, if that made any sense.

"Good, "Jimmy surprised Harm by reaching out his hand and Harm of course took it and shook it. Zachary did the same and then they left the room. A minute later, after Harm had gathered himself from the shock, he followed them.

All in all there were some 20 to 30 people in the room, but Harm had no problem searching out the person he looked for. Like controlled by magnetism, one positive and one negative pole, they neared each other.

And when they stood just beside each other, Harriet and Bud approached Mac to say goodbye, since they were leaving early because of AJ. Mac said goodbye and Harm pretended that he had just ended up there on her left side by accident. His right hand was so close to her left hand that even though he couldn't quite touch it, he could still sense the warmth radiating off it. He couldn't stop himself from moving a little closer so that the backs of their hands were really touching. Suddenly he felt Mac release the contact between their hands, but before he could retreat his hand he felt her soft hand in his and his fingers braided with hers.

They thought that no one had noticed, but Harriet had of course seen their exchange however decided to wait with the questioning until she could ask Mac about it in private.

"We need to talk," Harm whispered in Mac's ear once Bud, Harriet and AJ had left.

"We're done talking. This is where feeling starts." She took his hand up so he could feel how fast her heart was beating. Harm soon countered by moving her hand over to feel that his heart was beating just as fast.

"Later... After the party... Stay?" Mac wasn't quite able to form coherent sentences and struggled to regain control, but she wasn't supposed to remember the rest of the world.

"Yes."

**The End**

AN: And that was the end to this story. I want to thank everyone who reviewed the story. Also many thank yous to Cria for taking time to beta it and to jagfan85 for allowing me the opportunity to write it. Thank you!


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